in death - out of body - back to here

for some time i have wanted to post one of my own near death experiences from many years ago - it was the summer of 1966, i was 23 years old, and i had just given birth about six weeks prior to one of my daughters - at the time, we were living in a beautiful new cape cod home surrounded by trees, sitting up on a slight hill from the country road which ran across the front - the city was about 20 miles down a major highway - everything had been fine that day - nothing out of the ordinary with my new baby or her young siblings - or with me -

but several hours after having gone to sleep for the night, i awakened with a start - i couldn't breathe - literally - i felt as if i were suffocating - but nothing seemed amiss otherwise - no pain - no headache - nothing - i simply could not get my breath - i tried sitting up - standing up - walking - sitting down again - turning the a/c up - but nothing helped - finally, i woke my husband and said i needed to get to the hospital - now! we drove to the hospital where i was hooked up to monitors, put on oxygen, had blood taken, cardiology and neurological work-ups done - everything medically conceivable done - however, by the time we had gotten through most of the tests, i was better - my regular breathing had returned - and i felt fine -

i was released home with a follow-up appointment with my doctor for the next day to go over the tests results - the final diagnosis was that i had at least one very large gallstone which had slipped out of a duct, obstructing a breathing pathway - apparently, after i got to the hospital, the stone had moved itself enough to no longer be a problem, which is why i improved - my doctor drew an illustration of my gallbladder, the stone, the duct, etc., as he explained to me that i needed to have the stone[s] surgically removed as quickly as possible else i left myself open to a repeat experience that might not, next time, end so well - so i had him schedule surgery while i sat at his desk -


the day of surgery was uneventful - i was checked in the night before, and the morning of surgery my only concern was that i was made to take off my nail polish that i'd just put on the night before! fingers and toes! also, i could not have any make-up on - well, this was the 60's and i had my priorities, after all, surgery or not! in ANY event, i was taken to the OR in one of those horrendous patient gowns and further insulted with a paper cap on my long hair - i remember going into the OR after having been given my pre-op sedative - my two surgeons were both there - we talked for a few moments before i was put under the anesthesia - and then everything "turned off" -


the next thing i remember is the feeling of extreme pain in my stomach - i remember thinking that my surgeons had lied to me about the procedure - the way it was explained, it all seemed so neat, and precise, a little incision with a scapel - but this felt as if my stomach had literally been ripped apart by their hands and then a ball of fire put inside the open pit - i also felt extreme coldness on my right hand, the outside of my hand - but i was unable to move or to speak - then i heard someone frantically say, "she's going down, she's going down!!! i can't get her up!!!" - the surgeon on my right then said, "well, if she goes, she's not going with theses EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE rocks in her!!!" - and then the voice of dr risinger to my left giving commands to the anesthesiologist -


and then, i began to rise out of my body [from my head] and was able to "see" everyone in the room, including me, the body of me, as i continued to move upward toward the ceiling - i remember looking down at me and feeling as if the "me of me" were being pulled away like a soft glove being slipped off - that softly - i continued to watch all the activity from my place in the upper right corner of the OR, just above my body - at first, i was - well, frightened is not really the word - i knew that i was dead - or in the process of being - i mean, i could see and hear everything - i just didn't want to be dead - do you know what i mean? i didn't want to be not-alive - i was young and had just begun my life with my children - i couldn't be dying! i think "angry" best describes what i was feeling then -


i continued to have this mental dialogue with myself and became more and more aware of my new "surroundings" and "self" - and began to focus less on my body down below where the doctors were still scrambling and shouting orders etc - i began to focus more on where i was at that moment - literally - i mean, i was still ME - the ME of ME continued to exist - and i began to feel surrounded by more white softness - a white softness that became an all-encompassing totally purely unadulterated whiteness of light - but this light had a seductiveness about it - it called me - it waited for me - i belonged there - i was still aware of the silver-gray cord from me to my body below - but i was slipping further and further away from my body below and soon gave into the "leaving" - i realized then that the thing called "death" was not the end of anything - it was the BEGINNING - there was nothing to fear - there existed only total peace and caring - TOTAL peace - have you ever felt that? -


and as i freely "gave in" more, i became surrounded by voices calling my name - and i recognized these voices - they were aunts and uncles and grandparents who, i realized, had been "gone" for many years - and some of them, i had never actually met in the physical world - but in this world - in this world, i knew who they each were - each one of them - i could not see a physical presence but i could "see" and "feel" their spirits, their presences, and could hear them call my name - i knew they were there to be with me, to help me along this transition - and as the purewhitelight became brighter, and i became more and more a part of it, there was such a feeling of elation, of joy, happiness, of freedom - of PURE PURE PEACE - and i could not imagine why anyone could possibly fear this thing called "death" - if only they knew!!!


i remember wanting to go - to go all the way - and at that moment of complete total surrender to "the light", a voice said, "but who will raise your children? no one but you can do that - you must go back!" - i knew this was true - but i was angry again - i didn't want to ever leave the PEACE and BEAUTY of where i was - and then i started to hear and to see the doctors in the OR again - and myself still on the table - i was so angry at the doctors for "bringing me back" - i could FEEL mySELF being drawn back downward toward my body - i could see the cord connected to the body from ME as it became shorter and shorter -


and then i went back into my body, all the while resisting with all my might -


the next thing i remember is again having left my body, and being above the heads of the doctors around the bed upon which i had been placed from the operating table - the doctors were telling the staff to take me straight to my room and not a recovery room so that my family could come in to see me one last time - and i heard them say that they would tell my family to call in the minister - i followed my body in the bed out of the OR and down the hallway - into a private room where my family was - my in-laws had called in their own minister - they were all standing there at the door of the room watching me be wheeled down to the room - i could hear them plainly - and i was infuriated that "they" were all there making plans and arrangements for ME - i was furious - i stayed with me into the room and watched from above as they filtered inside - i remember my ex-mother-in-law sat in a chair by the door and the minister stood just inside the door - in that moment, i knew that i was coming back - it was crystal clear to me - i was coming back to my children - no one else - NO ONE - was going to raise my children but ME - and then, in THAT moment, i surrendered back to my body -


when i regained consciousness in the hospital several days later, both my surgeons came in to see me - dr risinger said, "you know, we almost lost you" - to which i responded, "you DID lose me, but i came back" - dr risinger asked me what i meant so i told them of my experiences in both the OR and in my room - they confirmed what i had seen and heard throughout my experiences - and said that while they had heard of such things, neither of them had ever had a patient tell them that they had undergone this kind of experience -


as an aside, some months later, i awoke one morning with the warmth of the sun coming through my window - i could feel its heat on my arms - and i could hear the birds chirping in the tree close by - i walked into the bathroom mirror and looked at myself and realized that i, at the age of 23, could not remember the last time i'd felt the warmth of the sun or heard birds singing - and i knew in that instant that i had to leave my unhappy marriage - i had to take me and my children away from the unhappiness and into the warm sunshine and singing birds - i turned from the mirror, went to my closet, packed one suitcase and a diaper bag and walked out of that house, never looking back -


today, those children have their own children and some of their children now have children of their own, making me a great grandmother - and what a GRAND life it is - i cannot imagine my life without my children - and the pure love they bring me -